To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Nice try, NASA
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?