To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
You Might Also Like
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
No flush
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.