@Phoebetate

To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.

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@DrBacos

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

@gvicks

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

@sip_at_home_mom

Finally relating to the moms in the group, but after a few awkward minutes, realized their “magic bullet” was a food processor.

@mrsmith196645

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

@Squizbot

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

@MelissaJoy33

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

@weasel_babe

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture