To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.

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Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.


Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.


Finally relating to the moms in the group, but after a few awkward minutes, realized their “magic bullet” was a food processor.


I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.


I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.


I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!


I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.


triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture