[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Sooo many times…..
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
where do you see yourself in five years?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.