[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.