(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My love language is deader than Latin
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?