To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
You wish you had this many chins.
Yes, this is exactly right
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.