To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The French cow says MEUX…