[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.