“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.