To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”