@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

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@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@OakHill_

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

@TeaAndCopy

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

@007Pepe_Rex

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

@samiam604

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

@therealeatwood

Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens

@Spaced_Cowboy00

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

@SortaBad

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

@KarateDonuts

McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”