I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks