@nolifecoach

To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome

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@carlyken

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

@dumbbeezie

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

@RocketRankoon

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

@OneTrickTofani

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@WHEREISWALTJNR

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks