You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I am all good here, 😂😉
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?