To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome

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I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.


My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it


Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball


[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]


If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie


I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.


I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.


I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.


me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks