To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.