The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
What
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?