@AudreyPorne

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

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@LuvPug

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

@_ElvishPresley_

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@offbeatoliv

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

@HrBry

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

@Jake_Vig

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

@hazelmotes1

I can’t wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don’t want will be on the new iPhone.