Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku
OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[On phone with Pizza Hut]
Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago!
PH: Are you sure you didn’t tweet it…again?
Me: K. Love you. Bye.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.
[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds