@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

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@rzarosco

Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam

@TheJamesH1

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

@CroweJam

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

@BlackCatBettie

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

@captainkalvis

waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy

@juliussharpe

I think Yahoo! news is written by someone who’s had significant head trauma.

@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

@UncleDuke1969

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

@CheryeDavis

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

@SteveSuckington

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”