@Ivsy01
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
@garrydavenport
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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@Ivsy01
@KenJennings
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
@imence2
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
@IamEnidColeslaw
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
@david8hughes
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
@UncleDuke1969
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
@TheAlexNevil
*point taken
*point rescued by Liam Neeson
@mkat816
Kik you? Like what? In the face?
@1evilidiot
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
@WilliamAder
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.