To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

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Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam


Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.


Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.


If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.


waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy


I think Yahoo! news is written by someone who’s had significant head trauma.


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.



FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]



I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…


*octopus goes in for a palm reading*