@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

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@Ivsy01

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

@KenJennings

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

@david8hughes

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

@UncleDuke1969

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.