To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.


You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.


that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse


[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy


[On phone with Pizza Hut]

Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago!
PH: Are you sure you didn’t tweet it…again?
PH: Sir?
Me: K. Love you. Bye.


Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.


[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”


[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.


the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds