@rzarosco
Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam
@garrydavenport
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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@rzarosco
@TheJamesH1
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
@CroweJam
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
@BlackCatBettie
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
@captainkalvis
waiter: and for you sir?
me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy
@juliussharpe
I think Yahoo! news is written by someone who’s had significant head trauma.
@Cherry_Row
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
@UncleDuke1969
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
@CheryeDavis
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
@SteveSuckington
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”