To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69