Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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I didn’t come here to be called names
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.