@animaldrumss

To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh… yeah. yes.

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@seamussaid

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

@squirrel74wkgn

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

@sonictyrant

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

@hoops_Daddy

Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.

@Junkyardigan

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*

@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@adamof_alltrade

How do I know I’m Canadian?

An AI pedestrian in Grand Theft Auto just sneezed and I said “Bless You” outloud for nobody to hear.

@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@HomeProbably

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.