To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold