@Kids_kubed

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

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@KenJennings

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

@DirtMcTurd

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@WheelTod

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

@pleatedjeans

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

@PrestoVision

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

@squirrel74wkgn

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

@HEYWATCHMETWEET

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there’s a horse there, the queen is watching.