I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken
And no toilet paper.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there’s a horse there, the queen is watching.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.