To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.


If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.


If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??


[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit


If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.


If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?


Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.


[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.