@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

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@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@PussycatPlace

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

@ThisOneSayz

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@markydoodoo

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

@ANastyGorilla

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

@shatterpants

Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.