I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Not today, today.
Not today.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Breaking news:
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.