*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
This guy’s not having it 😆
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.