To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?