Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.