To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.