@a_venezuelan19

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

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@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

@massive_images

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

@pleatedjeans

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

@BradBroaddus

It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!