To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
dam girl
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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