To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I have no passwords left in me
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.