“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Whoa 😂
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?