Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.