TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

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Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste


Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g


Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.


The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.


“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys


[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]


9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters

9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children


[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*


Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?


I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.