Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You Might Also Like
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters
9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.