This is hilarious….
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still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark