Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
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If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?