Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.


Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

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A fun prank to pull on a neighbor is to introduce a species of invasive grass into his lawn.


Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.


Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.


If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.


{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.


It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.


My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.


While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.