Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”