@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

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@mela_shea

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

@dafloydsta

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

@ashmensch

This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

@ohheyohhihello

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

@TheWoodenslurpy

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

@CornOnTheGoblin

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

@DadandBuried

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@unmehlievable

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself