@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

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@BruceForce

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

@BigPlanetEarth

People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.

@jenspyra

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@waydybee

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

@ohen39

friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

@lilgapeach30

I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.

“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.

@iamTannenbaum

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing