Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
friend: just act mature
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes
I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.
“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing