Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
You Might Also Like
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*