today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
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Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
okay run it by me one more time