today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out