Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
