Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.