If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You Might Also Like
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors