@JoeMande
“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers
@6stringSpecial
Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.
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@JoeMande
@ashmensch
I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
@Reverend_Scott
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
@HatfieldAnne
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
@3sunzzz
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
@MumInBits
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
@buttgh0st
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
@realalitavnab
*sneezes*
“MY DUST COLLECTION!”
@simoncholland
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
@gabbybendel
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper