@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.

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@JoeMande

“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers

@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.

@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@MumInBits

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

@buttgh0st

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

@simoncholland

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

@gabbybendel

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper