@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.

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@funflaps

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

@Vodkantots

9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.

@ShootyDoody

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

@ObscureGent

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

@ThingsJackDigs

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?

@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!