@rockstarfish

Today, coworker deemed herself “unscareable”. Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

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@TheCatWhisprer

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

@MissBamantha

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@Skoogeth

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

@KaysNH

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

@Insomniac_Medic

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.