gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Today, coworker deemed herself “unscareable”. Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.
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NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”