Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy