I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Y’all ready for this
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.