Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Saturday
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it