today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it