today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.


Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. “Biff”?? “Happy”?? Dude, take five more minutes.


[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.


Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.


If you end a work email with “hope this helps” what you really meant to say was “if you don’t understand now, you’re a moron.”


Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.


Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…


Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up