Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
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life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.