@RodLacroix

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

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@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@mollymcnearney

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

@CheryeDavis

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

@Iffy_Penguin

me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.

@HatfieldAnne

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

@AbbyHasIssues

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.