Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
You Might Also Like
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
British ppl be having sex like “mmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on”
ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police