Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.


Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…


me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.


If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.


Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.


GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills


To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.


A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.