Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Home is where your toilet is.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?