@PoorEvelyn

Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.

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@lifeisforkedup

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

@0point5twins

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

@DrakeGatsby

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

@echo262

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

@notalogin

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

@Browtweaten

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

@DOGGEAUX

i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results

@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?