Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.

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Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*


In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.


Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October


Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.


OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.


*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?


I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.


Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain


i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results


If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?