Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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2022 be like
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
LMAO.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
#merica