Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
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If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.