Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.