Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

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*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.


*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*


That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.


For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.


I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.


Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me


Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.


use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
Im in something called pizza jail


These protests are PLANNED. These opposition groups are ORGANIZED. My enemies are USING CALENDARS. Someone signed up to BRING DOUGHNUTS.


Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.