@bush_piglet

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

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@dafloydsta

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

@Smooheed

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

@tsm560

That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

@JosesLovesYou

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

@samalmightysam

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

@TheRealRHB

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

@canazn_73

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.

@murrman5

use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
hello
Im in something called pizza jail

@rainbowrowell

These protests are PLANNED. These opposition groups are ORGANIZED. My enemies are USING CALENDARS. Someone signed up to BRING DOUGHNUTS.

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.