Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.