Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
🖤✌🏽
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*