Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler